Father’s Day is this weekend, and I want to give some special shout-outs to some of the amazing dads that I have had the privilege of working with in my time as a doula. Before I go there, let me just say that as a doula I ADORE working with some fathers, and not always for the reasons that might be so obvious. There are some rumors out there that doulas replace dads, and frankly that is insulting to both of us in my opinion! First it is insulting to fathers, as it assumes that I am sooo good at my job as a doula that I can possibly get to know a birthing person better than the father of the child they are about to bring into this world. While, yeah, that *might* be possible in some odd constellation of circumstances, for the most part, that is just not true. Secondly, it is insulting to me as a professional, because I am in no way ever trying to replace anyone’s partner for any amount of time.
I LOVE all kinds of fathers for different reasons, and these are 3 types of dads that I think they are ever so special for bringing what they do to the birthing room, wherever that is!
- Super-involved & helpful fathers are really easy to love as the doula. These are the guys that step into the situation that they may never have been in before and step-up to help as much as they can. These are the guys that ask me pointed questions about how to do better hip-squeezes and where exactly on their partner’s back they should be pressing. They unflinchingly grab a towel to sop up the amniotic fluid that dripped on the floor and watch me like a hawk to see what angle I’m holding their partner’s leg at so that they can do the same. They are enthusiastic, very much present in the moment, and do everything they can to help the process. But these are the easy dads for a doula to love for so many reasons, the biggest reason being that they help make my job easier.
This next one might be a bit more surprising:
- Dads who made sure I was hired to help because they know they can’t are also big on my list. The fun part for me as the doula, is that I often don’t know that this is why I was hired until we are actually in the moment. This includes one dad that everything medical made him nauseous, so he stayed flat on his back on the couch in the room with his eyes covered the whole time we were at the hospital and kept apologizing to his partner. Seriously, it was the sweetest thing ever and I felt so bad for him throughout the entire birth. These dads know their own limitations, whether they are spoken to me or not prior makes zero difference to me as the doula. I LOVE that they ask for what they personally and their partners need, and honestly wish more people would.
- Skeptical turned overly appreciative dads might be my favorite though. These are the guys that weren’t sure that they should be hiring me to help at the birth, and it is sometimes clear that they are really just humoring their partners when they agree to spend the money on hiring a doula. These are the dads that eventually become my biggest cheerleaders afterwards. It isn’t that they think they know everything about birth and how to help their partner get through it, rather they are more typically skeptical about spending the money on a doula that may or may not actually be helpful when it comes to the birth. I appreciate the skeptics especially, probably because I tend to be one myself.
As a doula I work with partners to see how they want to be involved. I NEVER want to replace a partner, and always want to help encourage that relationship in this most amazing moment of change. Fathers are special, and there is no possible way I could replace one, even with all my expertise and experience. I help partners participate in a way that they are comfortable with and without requiring them to become experts on childbirth.
Happy Father’s Day to all your amazing dads out there! I hope your day is full of relaxation and appreciation for all you do for your families!!
If you want to read a little more about Dads and Doulas, here is a blog post from DONA International on the subject that debunks some of the myths.
What is your favorite pro-tip for all the new fathers-to-be??