Learning the hard way has always kinda been my thing. I have a kid who takes the same approach to life, and it is soo incredibly frustrating to witness. Looking back, there are several things I really wish I knew going into my first pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. I really tried to inform myself as much as possible, and honestly I maybe read too much–partly reflected in the B I got in one of my grad school classes the semester I found out I was pregnant–though all the vomiting & napping surely didn’t help that either. Some of these hindsight observations might surprise you!
Approach Matters
I wish I knew the difference between the obstetric & midwifery approaches to prenatal care. While my friends were getting 5-10 minutes with their OBs, I was getting 30 minute talks with my midwife about all of my worries so that they had a whole picture of my life and not just some measurements and numbers in a chart. My friends who had family practice doctors for their care had much more similar experiences to mine with the midwives too, and for low-risk pregnancies some family practice doctors are amazing. Finding a provider that you’re comfortable with and who you don’t dread seeing is probably the most important part though, regardless of what model of care they practice.
Expectations?
I wish I knew that giving birth inside a hospital could be an amazing experience. I read and heard ALL the horror stories about getting run over by the system. I walked into my birth fully armed with all the information and ready for a fight to get the birth I wanted. I ended up having the most supportive team around me including my amazing nurse, my midwife, my doula, and even the supervising OB who stopped by for my whole pushing stage and whose words frankly got me through to the end. I will fully own my privilege and say that being a middle class presenting, white, fairly attractive & fit person (at the time anyway)–all of those things signaled different things to the people in the room on how to treat me. But I didn’t expect everyone to be so kind and supportive of my plan to give birth without medication or intervention in a hospital whose reputation is a “baby factory” known for high intervention rates in the area. The support afterwards with lactation was also so great. I wish more people would talk about their GREAT experiences too.
Right Way?
I wish I knew that there was no one right way to do all of this. My first time around, I was searching for what the RIGHT way to do things was. The lesson I continually come back to with parenting and birth and all of it, is that there is no one right way. I would have spent so much more time thinking about what was right for me and my family and my baby and the situation we were in at the time regarding finances, location, information, ability, capacity, etc. I stressed myself out to the point of exhaustion trying to find the “right” way, when I truly wish I had spent more time focusing inward and figuring out where & who to ask the questions when they came up later.
When you look back on your pregnancy, birth, & postpartum, what did you learn through hindsight? Are there things that you would do differently? If this is your first time, I urge you to take the 20 years perspective and think about how important some things that you might be fighting for right now, might actually be in the grand scheme of things too. As a doula, I can say that how you remember this will stay with you for the rest of your life. Your experience matters, so find what is important to you and surround yourself with people who share your values and approach to things. What would you add?
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